Transference is like your brain playing matchmaker—badly. You meet someone new, and instead of seeing them for who they are, your mind whispers, “Hey, they remind you of your ex.” Suddenly, you're treating them as if they’re still stuck in that old relationship, not realising you’ve slipped into past emotional autopilot. Countertransference is when they unconsciously return the favour, and before you know it, you're both knee-deep in emotional baggage from relationships that belong in the past.
Freud and Carl Rogers had plenty to say about this, and honestly, it’s a little like emotional recycling. You take unresolved feelings from old relationships, give them a new host, and voila—therapy can start feeling more like a soap opera reunion. But it’s not just in therapy. In life, too, we bring the ghosts of our childhood into new relationships: seeing a boss as the strict parent, a friend as the sibling who always stole your toys, or worse—thinking your new partner is about to cheat because your ex did. The mind loves a pattern, even when it’s one we’d rather leave behind.
The trick to managing transference? Awareness. Think of it like spotting the warning lights on your emotional dashboard. If a client is getting too familiar or you’re feeling more like their parent than their therapist, it’s time to pause and ask, “Do I remind you of someone?” This isn’t just therapy homework; it’s about staying present and recognizing when we’re dragging our past into the now. And, yes, always take it to supervision—it’s like a spiritual detox for the therapeutic space.
Transference can come in all shapes and sizes, not just in therapy. It usually stems from early childhood relationships, but it’s sneaky and can pop up anywhere. Parental transference? That’s when you start projecting mommy or daddy issues onto your boss. Sibling transference? Suddenly, you’re treating your colleague like your brother who always hogged the remote. And non-familial transference is when you assume every cop is a straight-up hero or villain, based on past experiences with authority.
In therapy, transference can be a mixed blessing. On one hand, it can create tension, but on the other, it’s a goldmine for insight. By seeing how you transfer old feelings to new people, therapists can help you unpick unresolved patterns. Journaling, mindfulness, and self-reflection can help you notice when this is happening outside of therapy too.
Therapists aren’t immune to it either. Countertransference can sneak up on even the most mindful of us. To manage it, it’s important to stay self-aware, empathetic, and grounded. Melanie Klein thought this dynamic was a big deal; Carl Rogers, not so much. But no matter your view, one thing’s clear: keeping yourself centred, knowing your own triggers, and separating your identity from your clients’ is essential.
In the end, it’s all about clearing the spiritual cobwebs so you can meet each other as you are today—without the past butting in uninvited.
Liz WIlde
Embrace Your Power
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